A God That Misses People~Romantic Fall

Won't bore you all with the exact report. Some time ago Max the guest told me all the names of the people I'd killed in November. It's been bugging me as to why. I found my answer; the names of all the extreme ward patients: the kids who shared that insanity, of being seen and seeing. Who I tried to save and failed, and then killed without even lifting a finger or believing in their salvation. 

"...always doomed to break everything, to crack, and creak but never break but watch things break."

I don't like that destiny, I refuse to accept it, I'm not in a conductive state of mind to keep people's spirits up. I will be though. Fuck that thing that's destroyed so much, we'll find a way.

Good Luck

Major Surgery

Hospital records state that Patient/Subject --- had a severe and unexplained redness across the whole of his body as well as a large gash on his left arm. The redness faded before any conclusion could be reached as to its cause. Patient/Subject ---'s left arm was treated immediately, however the leading physician  noted afterward: 'the emergency paramedics noted the deepness of the wound, but at the time of surgery the wound was actually quite shallow. Further blood tests of [Patient/Subject ---] shows mild discrepancies with prior blood work.'

The victims were found two days later hanging from the trees of [REDACTED]'s public park, while Subject/Patient --- was still in the hospital. Victims were found in the usual state with several organs moved to different points; with one strange constant: the heart of all victims were placed whole in the left arm. The bones in the victims left arms have not yet been recovered in either the forest, or the victims' bodies. Various patches of skin on the victims' bodies appeared to have been melted off, as if by some high concentration acid, these missing patches of skin all have a tell-tale redness around them.

Judging by the state of the victims and Subject/Patient ---'s ramblings it is clear he has met the recurring problem, as such I move he be relocated to the extreme ward to prevent him from infecting others.

Signed and Sealed
[INFORMATION PURGED]

Black Star(Never Lose Myself)

Final session with Patient ---
Date: 03/05/03
Doctor [REDACTED]: Hello
Patient ---: Hi.
Doctor [REDACTED]: The heads have agreed to release you.
Patient ---: Really? Awesome!
Doctor [REDACTED]: However, I'd first like to confirm some things for myself.
Patient ---: Do you really have that authority?
Doctor [REDACTED]: As the lead psychologist on your  case, I assure you I can.
Patient ---: Fine, ask away Doc. I'll answer to the best of my ability.
Doctor [REDACTED]: You've made an amazing recovery in a short amount of time with no medication-
Patient ---: My problem is what I wit-did, what I did and what I subsequently saw, not a default error in my brain.
Doctor [REDACTED]: Indeed, and while I'd like to think these sessions are the sole factor to your recovery, in my years I've learned it's not that easy.
Patient ---: I'm not quite sure I understand what you mean.
Doctor [REDACTED]: How long has this all been an act? Since the beginning?
Patient ---: Ahh, I see, you think I used the 'I've gone insane' defense?
Doctor [REDACTED]: I do, to be frank you're symptoms are so rare, unique, and the trauma set in so fast, that as our sessions went on I found myself doubting your place here.
Patient ---: Well, I'll be leaving very shortly.
Doctor [REDACTED]: Or not.
Patient ---: A threat?
Doctor [REDACTED]: If you were to say you were cured and I were to disagree that just proves....
Patient ---: Denial. 'I'm not crazy' I say 'he is' you assure I'm labeled as 'in denial' and I stay in here 'till you get tired of the joke.
Doctor [REDACTED]: Do you think I would do that?
Patient ---: Perhaps, if you truly thought you were tricked.
Doctor [REDACTED]: A good answer, so do you think I think I was tricked?
Patient ---: You believe I tricked you for some time, but not the courts. 'Temporary insanity', and when I was truly cured [Deliberate pause] I continued to fake it, for what purpose?
Doctor [REDACTED]: To wait for the chatter to die down, and the sympathy to begin after all you were almost the one was killed that night, rather than that 9-year-old..
Patient ---: Very well thought out, and the concrete proof is....
Doctor [REDACTED]: My very own Catch 22, I can't bring my hypothesis to the table, even if it is the truth, for the only evidence exists in that brain of yours.
Patient ---: Catch 22?
Doctor [REDACTED]: A trap where the only way out of the situation is to not be in the situation. To use the example in the book of the name of this very dilemma: a pilot must be declared 'unfit to fly' so they wouldn't have to undertake the dangerous missions requested of them.
Patient ---: And the method to prove you're not 'fit to fly' proves you are?
Doctor [REDACTED]: Correct you would have to be mad to undertake the missions, and must therefore take them by choice, but the pilot would have to choose to be evaluated to even have the option of being seen as 'unfit to fly' but in asking to be evaluated they prove they are sane enough to be declared 'fit to fly'
Patient ---: So in this case; if I admit I was faking it, it'll be recorded and shown, but if I don't you'll trap me here for only you know how long...the example doesn't perfectly fit this situation though.
Doctor [REDACTED]: Yes, if you admit you were faking you will still be released, but so to will the knowledge that you faked that insanity.
Patient ---: I don't plan on being put into another situation where I'm questioned by the police, I am, usually a very nice person.
Doctor [REDACTED]: Yes, like you consoled Miss [REDACTED].
Patient ---: Yes.
Doctor [REDACTED]: Do you remember her hallucination?
Patient ---: Hallucination? Oh, right, the tall man with no face. I still don't get it, but maybe, no never mind.
Doctor [REDACTED]: That again.
Patient ---: Hmm?
Doctor [REDACTED]: Last time we met you were about to ask me a question then left without asking it.
Patient ---: Ahh...right, that. I was just curious, but then I remembered you wouldn't know anything about it.
Doctor [REDACTED]: I might.
Patient ---: It has nothing to do with me.
Doctor [REDACTED]: Ask the question, you may get something good out of it.
Patient ---: Like say the whole 'maybe he faked it' issue gets pushed away and never mentioned again?
Doctor [REDACTED]: Yes.
Patient ---: Maybe she was raped by an older man.
Doctor [REDACTED]: Oh, is that all?
Patient ---: Hey I'm 12 be shocked at the brazen suggestion!
Doctor [REDACTED]: Its just, we've researched that avenue before the number of cases-
Patient ---: Number of cases! Other people are seeing that same hallucination?
Doctor [REDACTED]: I'm going to be straight about this: many children see the same images from media, therefore it's not uncommon for a similar hallucination to be ingrained into children, I thought someone as observant as yourself may provide a slightly more stable insight into the fears, but it seems I was wrong.
Patient ---: Is that really all?
Doctor [REDACTED]: Yes.
Patient ---: Should I keep my eyes on popular culture, to maybe, help them?
Doctor [REDACTED]: No. You clearly do want to help, but it'd be better if you forgot.
Patient ---: That ward, does 'extreme' mean people who've had that hallucination?
Doctor [REDACTED]: You're getting released, forget everything.
Patient ---: I haven't confirmed your suspicions.
Doctor [REDACTED]: No, I never really expected you to, enjoy the rest of your life, I hope we never have to meet again.
Patient ---: Agreed. Goodbye Doctor, and thank you for your efforts.

Notes: Patient --- was released the next day. His words held no confirmation nor denial of his mental state for the entirety of his stay. I am officially suggesting we keep an eye on former patient --- for the next few months to ensure he does not meet the recurring problem.

Signed: Doctor [INFORMATION PURGED]
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I think you should all get to know my worse points as well. The doctor was right...sort of, some of it was certainly an act specifically the beginning, it was only in the darkness and silence that I saw the sight of the kid I killed, and I stewed and went half-mad, still don't deal well with silence to be honest. At least I finally have an answer to one of my questions: it was 9 years ago that I almost suffocated and killed someone in 'self-defense', the events of 7 years ago are still a jumbled mess in my head. I've shown the 'important' bits of that stay. 7 years ago is a little bit more... hectic and psycho from what I've seen. There's also more 'sealed' documents attached with that time. Well back into the roiling sea of insanity and words for me.

Kinjirareta Asobi-Pandora Hearts

Not the opening to Rozen Maiden.

Got the notes, and the transcripts with relative ease. I'm going through some of them now, two years in all. Just a heads up on my situation although it would appear while I was trapped in the past some things have been going on in the present. Will had that junk character binary which has apparently been decoded: 

"Twisted demon of a land forgotten wondering through the sands of time in searching for answers about its creation tormenting those who learn its nature given a name but not a face soon you will all be displaced".

Heh, 'wondering'. It strikes me as...ironic, that me, and it seem to have the same problem. A lot of new blogs have popped up, that I need to catch up on when I get the time. And Isabella came back just long enough to bid farewell, while Jean keeps going living only for the sake of saving another. Well if that's the identity she's clinging to I'm in no position to criticize. 

Good Luck

Swear To

Red tape is such a bitch.

I`ve been making those calls and being redirected and put on hold too many times in the past 4 days. Good news is I`m a little closer...bad news is I have to go somewhere tomorrow...today. 3:00 in the morning here have to be...there...the mental hospital at...time isn`t important. To get, what I need, I have to be examined to ensure I won`t have a relapse because I see the notes. If it appears...if it appears, who knows? I might be calm, or freak out or...something. I had a point when I started this. Oh. Right. If I don`t come back... immediately, assume I got chucked into a padded cell.

If this is the last time I can contact you all.

Good Luck.

Never give up your hope.

I have every intention of coming back.

oh also:

''I will (EDITED) stab you computer phone lady''

Consequence Free

Decided to bring it home for my...er, return to home. It seems Elle's been on, didn't expect her to guess I'd make her name my password, still small traps. As for where I was...hospital, flinched too much when the Doc was wrapping the broken arm, one full body examination later and I'm more medical tape than man. My 'guest' is dead, but he did teach me a two things: the names of every single person I need to mourn properly when this is over, and no matter how stable they may seem one second, and no matter how many there, are never turn your back on a Husk

Things went to shit amazingly fast, I have no words...well, no, that's not true, I have words: angry, hurtful words, that are lashing out, and blaming the victim. I so wanted my first post to contain a slice of normalcy...but, that's clearly not going to happen now. Liam, Jonathon thanks for worrying but I'm fine...and getting the feeling I should rescind that offer of haven.

Good Luck, everyone who's left.