Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Black Star(Never Lose Myself)

Final session with Patient ---
Date: 03/05/03
Doctor [REDACTED]: Hello
Patient ---: Hi.
Doctor [REDACTED]: The heads have agreed to release you.
Patient ---: Really? Awesome!
Doctor [REDACTED]: However, I'd first like to confirm some things for myself.
Patient ---: Do you really have that authority?
Doctor [REDACTED]: As the lead psychologist on your  case, I assure you I can.
Patient ---: Fine, ask away Doc. I'll answer to the best of my ability.
Doctor [REDACTED]: You've made an amazing recovery in a short amount of time with no medication-
Patient ---: My problem is what I wit-did, what I did and what I subsequently saw, not a default error in my brain.
Doctor [REDACTED]: Indeed, and while I'd like to think these sessions are the sole factor to your recovery, in my years I've learned it's not that easy.
Patient ---: I'm not quite sure I understand what you mean.
Doctor [REDACTED]: How long has this all been an act? Since the beginning?
Patient ---: Ahh, I see, you think I used the 'I've gone insane' defense?
Doctor [REDACTED]: I do, to be frank you're symptoms are so rare, unique, and the trauma set in so fast, that as our sessions went on I found myself doubting your place here.
Patient ---: Well, I'll be leaving very shortly.
Doctor [REDACTED]: Or not.
Patient ---: A threat?
Doctor [REDACTED]: If you were to say you were cured and I were to disagree that just proves....
Patient ---: Denial. 'I'm not crazy' I say 'he is' you assure I'm labeled as 'in denial' and I stay in here 'till you get tired of the joke.
Doctor [REDACTED]: Do you think I would do that?
Patient ---: Perhaps, if you truly thought you were tricked.
Doctor [REDACTED]: A good answer, so do you think I think I was tricked?
Patient ---: You believe I tricked you for some time, but not the courts. 'Temporary insanity', and when I was truly cured [Deliberate pause] I continued to fake it, for what purpose?
Doctor [REDACTED]: To wait for the chatter to die down, and the sympathy to begin after all you were almost the one was killed that night, rather than that 9-year-old..
Patient ---: Very well thought out, and the concrete proof is....
Doctor [REDACTED]: My very own Catch 22, I can't bring my hypothesis to the table, even if it is the truth, for the only evidence exists in that brain of yours.
Patient ---: Catch 22?
Doctor [REDACTED]: A trap where the only way out of the situation is to not be in the situation. To use the example in the book of the name of this very dilemma: a pilot must be declared 'unfit to fly' so they wouldn't have to undertake the dangerous missions requested of them.
Patient ---: And the method to prove you're not 'fit to fly' proves you are?
Doctor [REDACTED]: Correct you would have to be mad to undertake the missions, and must therefore take them by choice, but the pilot would have to choose to be evaluated to even have the option of being seen as 'unfit to fly' but in asking to be evaluated they prove they are sane enough to be declared 'fit to fly'
Patient ---: So in this case; if I admit I was faking it, it'll be recorded and shown, but if I don't you'll trap me here for only you know how long...the example doesn't perfectly fit this situation though.
Doctor [REDACTED]: Yes, if you admit you were faking you will still be released, but so to will the knowledge that you faked that insanity.
Patient ---: I don't plan on being put into another situation where I'm questioned by the police, I am, usually a very nice person.
Doctor [REDACTED]: Yes, like you consoled Miss [REDACTED].
Patient ---: Yes.
Doctor [REDACTED]: Do you remember her hallucination?
Patient ---: Hallucination? Oh, right, the tall man with no face. I still don't get it, but maybe, no never mind.
Doctor [REDACTED]: That again.
Patient ---: Hmm?
Doctor [REDACTED]: Last time we met you were about to ask me a question then left without asking it.
Patient ---: Ahh...right, that. I was just curious, but then I remembered you wouldn't know anything about it.
Doctor [REDACTED]: I might.
Patient ---: It has nothing to do with me.
Doctor [REDACTED]: Ask the question, you may get something good out of it.
Patient ---: Like say the whole 'maybe he faked it' issue gets pushed away and never mentioned again?
Doctor [REDACTED]: Yes.
Patient ---: Maybe she was raped by an older man.
Doctor [REDACTED]: Oh, is that all?
Patient ---: Hey I'm 12 be shocked at the brazen suggestion!
Doctor [REDACTED]: Its just, we've researched that avenue before the number of cases-
Patient ---: Number of cases! Other people are seeing that same hallucination?
Doctor [REDACTED]: I'm going to be straight about this: many children see the same images from media, therefore it's not uncommon for a similar hallucination to be ingrained into children, I thought someone as observant as yourself may provide a slightly more stable insight into the fears, but it seems I was wrong.
Patient ---: Is that really all?
Doctor [REDACTED]: Yes.
Patient ---: Should I keep my eyes on popular culture, to maybe, help them?
Doctor [REDACTED]: No. You clearly do want to help, but it'd be better if you forgot.
Patient ---: That ward, does 'extreme' mean people who've had that hallucination?
Doctor [REDACTED]: You're getting released, forget everything.
Patient ---: I haven't confirmed your suspicions.
Doctor [REDACTED]: No, I never really expected you to, enjoy the rest of your life, I hope we never have to meet again.
Patient ---: Agreed. Goodbye Doctor, and thank you for your efforts.

Notes: Patient --- was released the next day. His words held no confirmation nor denial of his mental state for the entirety of his stay. I am officially suggesting we keep an eye on former patient --- for the next few months to ensure he does not meet the recurring problem.


I think you should all get to know my worse points as well. The doctor was right...sort of, some of it was certainly an act specifically the beginning, it was only in the darkness and silence that I saw the sight of the kid I killed, and I stewed and went half-mad, still don't deal well with silence to be honest. At least I finally have an answer to one of my questions: it was 9 years ago that I almost suffocated and killed someone in 'self-defense', the events of 7 years ago are still a jumbled mess in my head. I've shown the 'important' bits of that stay. 7 years ago is a little bit more... hectic and psycho from what I've seen. There's also more 'sealed' documents attached with that time. Well back into the roiling sea of insanity and words for me.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Voile, the magic library

Report of incident 2245 and following session with Patient ---
Date: 3/03/03
Patient --- entered 'special cases' ward and was found with subject ----. Subject ---- was clinging to patient --- and speaking of the recurring problem. Patient --- was attempting to calm subject ---- to little avail. Patient --- was reluctant to leave subject ----'s side but eventually relented. Patient --- should receive a session as soon as possible to prevent the recurring problem from becoming more prevalent.

Signed, and sealed

Patient ---: Hello, Doctor
Doctor [REDACTED]: Hello, son.
Patient ---: What seems to be the problem?
Doctor [REDACTED]: For starters that area you were in, you weren't supposed to be there.
Patient ---: [A brief pause] why?
Doctor [REDACTED]: We've already be over this; that area is out-of-bounds as it is for particularly extreme cases.
Patient ---: What is 'extreme' anyway?
Doctor [REDACTED]: Confidential. [Quickly] Now then I think you should know that Miss [REDACTED] suffers from-
Patient ---: Hallucinations, what else could it be? A tall man without a face that is 'always staring', what else could it be?
Doctor [REDACTED]: Yes, good you are able to tell the difference between reality and illusion.
Patient ---: That isn't my problem Doctor.
Doctor [REDACTED]: Indeed, and in regards to that problem you have made great leaps lately to returning to normal society.
Patient ---: [Laughs] Yeah, sure 'normal'.
Doctor [REDACTED]: Now then, would you care to share how you managed to get into that ward?
Patient ---: No.
Doctor [REDACTED]: [Shocked silence] I-I see, then [how] about the usual game, you give me a hint to the solution and I'll-
Patient ---: No
Doctor [REDACTED]: Why?
Patient ---: All the hints you need should be in the security cameras, right?
Doctor [REDACTED]: Yes, yes, of course. Now then if you'd follow Nurse [REDACTED] back to your room.
Patient ---: [Still sitting, making no motion to stand]: Doctor?
Doctor [REDACTED]: Yes?
Patient ---: [Hesitates, then stands] Never mind,  it's not really important.

Notes: Patient ---'s rehabilitation is continuing steadily without use of medication, his inherently curious, yet distrusting nature however continues to be a roadblock. That final question, I wonder what he wanted to ask? Perhaps I can bring it up naturally in our next, and possible final meeting. The heads feel he is ready to be released, barring one final practical test, the nurses so far have noted he responds to nearby injuries as a normal person would: with shock and a desire to help, as opposed to his prior breakdowns. He seems to dismiss the recurring problem as nothing more than a hallucination, if he continues to think of it as such and forgot it, more the better. Review of the security footage shows the patient entering the special ward through a disused part of the building, and why weren't these doors locked?

Patient ---
Age at Admittance: 11
Gender: Male
Date of Admittance: 10/13/02
Date of Birth: 12/28/90
Date of Release: 3/05/03
Initial Diagnosis: [REDACTED]

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Kinjirareta Asobi-Pandora Hearts

Not the opening to Rozen Maiden.

Got the notes, and the transcripts with relative ease. I'm going through some of them now, two years in all. Just a heads up on my situation although it would appear while I was trapped in the past some things have been going on in the present. Will had that junk character binary which has apparently been decoded: 

"Twisted demon of a land forgotten wondering through the sands of time in searching for answers about its creation tormenting those who learn its nature given a name but not a face soon you will all be displaced".

Heh, 'wondering'. It strikes me as...ironic, that me, and it seem to have the same problem. A lot of new blogs have popped up, that I need to catch up on when I get the time. And Isabella came back just long enough to bid farewell, while Jean keeps going living only for the sake of saving another. Well if that's the identity she's clinging to I'm in no position to criticize. 

Good Luck

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Swear To

Red tape is such a bitch.

I`ve been making those calls and being redirected and put on hold too many times in the past 4 days. Good news is I`m a little closer...bad news is I have to go somewhere 3:00 in the morning here have to be...there...the mental hospital at...time isn`t important. To get, what I need, I have to be examined to ensure I won`t have a relapse because I see the notes. If it appears...if it appears, who knows? I might be calm, or freak out or...something. I had a point when I started this. Oh. Right. If I don`t come back... immediately, assume I got chucked into a padded cell.

If this is the last time I can contact you all.

Good Luck.

Never give up your hope.

I have every intention of coming back.

oh also:

''I will (EDITED) stab you computer phone lady''

Monday, January 17, 2011

Perfect Night

"This song is shapeless.
No real definable melody or rhythm.
But pure formless malice, a juxtaposition of the negative emotions put out by humans."

Time. Time is, a-a-a-lin egmnent. Line.....segment, line...line...I swear I didn' was it the thing without face in the graveyard. I didn't-blood everywhere-FAGILEfragilefragilefragilefragile. Everything dissolving into mist churning and lost and fragments everywhere glassfragilefragilefragileglass and blood and mist. Swirling mixing. Head Hurts.
Go back.
The background 
Back to the 8 9 years ago when nothing happened

Back to the 7 years ago when it was cold and lost and faceless and shapeless and infected
Line up the pieces. Tell it all. Ghosts ghosts hiding in the mist and the time and the blood and the fragilefragileglass....or is it ice?

I...I'm here now its my past thats scattered...I...I need to think to line everything up..I have some calls to make. I....
Will never lose it!
Good Luck

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Mauve Iro No Sympathy

A word to the wise: slicing open your arms is stupid. Usually. it kind of showed up on New Year's, just woke up and boom there's the enemy looking at me through my window. I stabbed at it with an icicle, then things get hazy I know I hit it because some of its...I'm going with goo had splattered on me. Don't think it was actually hurt but it did go away. I glared back for a moment and then started cleaning up the blood around me. it just watched until I had finished cleaning up. I walked out of the forest, alone, it was there, but it couldn't be, the mist, the blood, a world of...why? I kept the paper towels with my blood, not sure why, should just burn them. Stuffed 'em in a container for now. Still here.

Good Luck

Friday, January 14, 2011

Bleed it out

Missing time. A common problem. Time is getting shorter...longer...wound on the ledftt. STAB. Ice everywhere. Blood everywhere. it everywhere. Have to havet o havehavehabveto. Time is shifting, changing, the tide is crashing against the blwhik rook. Made of an unknown liquid, how does ice affect it? Notrightnotrightnotright. Mixing, have to [title]. Not some stupid crazy man.

We were just playing, and then He, it was there. Killed them. So easy like spider-webs like glass 01100110 01110010 01100001 01100111 01101001 01101100 0110010101100110 01110010 01100001 01100111 01101001 01101100 0110010101100110 01110010 01100001 01100111 01101001 01101100 01100101. Not me, not me. Like a labyrinth. Lost twining and scratching and clawing and bleeding. They didn't they didn't just broke just shattered melted into the mist. Lost for hours...minutes...seconds?

Crazy, but not in the same way.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

White Destiny

It's been snowing here a lot, lots of icicles everywhere. Real pretty, sad it only started coming down after Christmas. Focusing on things that aren't lost, my life, everyone left, my hope, my will to fight back.

The patient continues to show adverse reactions to others around him getting harmed. 
Jean...I hope Fizz finds her, and savers her.
Today, another patient near him cut their finger, his reaction was immediate and severe: clawing at his own throat with the repeated exclamation of "fragile". 
Good luck.
The events in the forest, have yet to be fully determined through interviews with the patient or investigation.

Friday, January 7, 2011

We've only just begun

We've only just begun to live
And when the evening comes?
And yes, we've just begun

8, this is 8. We have killed your friends. Every friend is now dead. 6. 6 years ago 'nothing' happened

5. Ignore the sirens, no one will come to save you.

7...7 years ago, time is shifting changing, 7 years ago nothing happened

x years ago


Saturday, January 1, 2011


A happy new year to all! To those who returned welcome back, the story hasn't quite ended yet, has it? "Fragile" "Elizabeth" that "forest" there are still many threads left to burn away to get to the truth.

To the lost sheep, the silent watchers, and the silent watcher as well

Good Luck

"So that my deepest prayer reaches
Today as well I continue to sing
Searching for the answers that are right here
Please kindly tell me

All the (x) reset"