Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Black Star(Never Lose Myself)

Final session with Patient ---
Date: 03/05/03
Doctor [REDACTED]: Hello
Patient ---: Hi.
Doctor [REDACTED]: The heads have agreed to release you.
Patient ---: Really? Awesome!
Doctor [REDACTED]: However, I'd first like to confirm some things for myself.
Patient ---: Do you really have that authority?
Doctor [REDACTED]: As the lead psychologist on your  case, I assure you I can.
Patient ---: Fine, ask away Doc. I'll answer to the best of my ability.
Doctor [REDACTED]: You've made an amazing recovery in a short amount of time with no medication-
Patient ---: My problem is what I wit-did, what I did and what I subsequently saw, not a default error in my brain.
Doctor [REDACTED]: Indeed, and while I'd like to think these sessions are the sole factor to your recovery, in my years I've learned it's not that easy.
Patient ---: I'm not quite sure I understand what you mean.
Doctor [REDACTED]: How long has this all been an act? Since the beginning?
Patient ---: Ahh, I see, you think I used the 'I've gone insane' defense?
Doctor [REDACTED]: I do, to be frank you're symptoms are so rare, unique, and the trauma set in so fast, that as our sessions went on I found myself doubting your place here.
Patient ---: Well, I'll be leaving very shortly.
Doctor [REDACTED]: Or not.
Patient ---: A threat?
Doctor [REDACTED]: If you were to say you were cured and I were to disagree that just proves....
Patient ---: Denial. 'I'm not crazy' I say 'he is' you assure I'm labeled as 'in denial' and I stay in here 'till you get tired of the joke.
Doctor [REDACTED]: Do you think I would do that?
Patient ---: Perhaps, if you truly thought you were tricked.
Doctor [REDACTED]: A good answer, so do you think I think I was tricked?
Patient ---: You believe I tricked you for some time, but not the courts. 'Temporary insanity', and when I was truly cured [Deliberate pause] I continued to fake it, for what purpose?
Doctor [REDACTED]: To wait for the chatter to die down, and the sympathy to begin after all you were almost the one was killed that night, rather than that 9-year-old..
Patient ---: Very well thought out, and the concrete proof is....
Doctor [REDACTED]: My very own Catch 22, I can't bring my hypothesis to the table, even if it is the truth, for the only evidence exists in that brain of yours.
Patient ---: Catch 22?
Doctor [REDACTED]: A trap where the only way out of the situation is to not be in the situation. To use the example in the book of the name of this very dilemma: a pilot must be declared 'unfit to fly' so they wouldn't have to undertake the dangerous missions requested of them.
Patient ---: And the method to prove you're not 'fit to fly' proves you are?
Doctor [REDACTED]: Correct you would have to be mad to undertake the missions, and must therefore take them by choice, but the pilot would have to choose to be evaluated to even have the option of being seen as 'unfit to fly' but in asking to be evaluated they prove they are sane enough to be declared 'fit to fly'
Patient ---: So in this case; if I admit I was faking it, it'll be recorded and shown, but if I don't you'll trap me here for only you know how long...the example doesn't perfectly fit this situation though.
Doctor [REDACTED]: Yes, if you admit you were faking you will still be released, but so to will the knowledge that you faked that insanity.
Patient ---: I don't plan on being put into another situation where I'm questioned by the police, I am, usually a very nice person.
Doctor [REDACTED]: Yes, like you consoled Miss [REDACTED].
Patient ---: Yes.
Doctor [REDACTED]: Do you remember her hallucination?
Patient ---: Hallucination? Oh, right, the tall man with no face. I still don't get it, but maybe, no never mind.
Doctor [REDACTED]: That again.
Patient ---: Hmm?
Doctor [REDACTED]: Last time we met you were about to ask me a question then left without asking it.
Patient ---: Ahh...right, that. I was just curious, but then I remembered you wouldn't know anything about it.
Doctor [REDACTED]: I might.
Patient ---: It has nothing to do with me.
Doctor [REDACTED]: Ask the question, you may get something good out of it.
Patient ---: Like say the whole 'maybe he faked it' issue gets pushed away and never mentioned again?
Doctor [REDACTED]: Yes.
Patient ---: Maybe she was raped by an older man.
Doctor [REDACTED]: Oh, is that all?
Patient ---: Hey I'm 12 be shocked at the brazen suggestion!
Doctor [REDACTED]: Its just, we've researched that avenue before the number of cases-
Patient ---: Number of cases! Other people are seeing that same hallucination?
Doctor [REDACTED]: I'm going to be straight about this: many children see the same images from media, therefore it's not uncommon for a similar hallucination to be ingrained into children, I thought someone as observant as yourself may provide a slightly more stable insight into the fears, but it seems I was wrong.
Patient ---: Is that really all?
Doctor [REDACTED]: Yes.
Patient ---: Should I keep my eyes on popular culture, to maybe, help them?
Doctor [REDACTED]: No. You clearly do want to help, but it'd be better if you forgot.
Patient ---: That ward, does 'extreme' mean people who've had that hallucination?
Doctor [REDACTED]: You're getting released, forget everything.
Patient ---: I haven't confirmed your suspicions.
Doctor [REDACTED]: No, I never really expected you to, enjoy the rest of your life, I hope we never have to meet again.
Patient ---: Agreed. Goodbye Doctor, and thank you for your efforts.

Notes: Patient --- was released the next day. His words held no confirmation nor denial of his mental state for the entirety of his stay. I am officially suggesting we keep an eye on former patient --- for the next few months to ensure he does not meet the recurring problem.


I think you should all get to know my worse points as well. The doctor was right...sort of, some of it was certainly an act specifically the beginning, it was only in the darkness and silence that I saw the sight of the kid I killed, and I stewed and went half-mad, still don't deal well with silence to be honest. At least I finally have an answer to one of my questions: it was 9 years ago that I almost suffocated and killed someone in 'self-defense', the events of 7 years ago are still a jumbled mess in my head. I've shown the 'important' bits of that stay. 7 years ago is a little bit more... hectic and psycho from what I've seen. There's also more 'sealed' documents attached with that time. Well back into the roiling sea of insanity and words for me.

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